Merlin Mixes with Anything
by Kitty O
Summary: In which Merlin can and will mix with many other fandoms in funny or downright odd escapades! Third, Luke, Leia, Han, Gwen, Arthur, and Merlin actually have a lot in common... Like daddy issues. No slash, crack
1. Merlin

**A/N: So… this is my quest to prove that **_**Merlin**_** mixes with any fandom. I have a few planned already, including **_**Star Wars**_**, **_**Bonanza**_**, and perhaps **_**Inkheart**_**… Does anyone else have any crossover ideas? Feel free to share a fandom and I will write a chapter in which they pop up… provided I actually know the show/movie/book. I hope this will be funny. Every time the guest stars change, I will probably change the category, but it will always be a **_**Merlin**_** crossover! If you don't know the chapter's fandom, don't despair. Just read and then move on. **

**For this story, Arthur knows about Merlin. No slash of any fandoms. **

_**NOTE: I'm not expecting many people to read this one, because some may not even know what the other fandoms are. That's too bad, but I'll deal with it. This is for fun! However, if you'd LIKE the leave a review, I wouldn't be sad…**_

First up:

Merlin. 

A protesting Prince Arthur found himself being dragged into the physician's chambers; his manservant lived here in a room at the back.

"Don't worry, Arthur," the ever-chipper voice of the dark-haired Merlin cut across his master's stammering. "This is going to work!"

Five words. How Arthur hated those five words. They were, statistically speaking, as bad as 'What can go wrong?', 'It can't get any worse!' and 'Is that all you got?'

"Really, Merlin," insisted the near-panicked golden haired prince. "I don't think this is necessary… It won't take me long to just…"

"No!" snapped the servant, but still smiled. "Arthur, please. I've been practicing all night. I finally got it down."

Despite the chain mail, Arthur really was a softie at heart. Because the second his friend dropped his arm and turned around with that pleading look and hopeful voice, the battle was lost.

Arthur sighed looked around the physician's chambers for something to give him a backbone. "Alright, Merlin. Show me the spell."

"Thanks, Arthur!" chirped Merlin, his smile growing brighter. The manservant/sorcerer slipped into his room and grabbed the spell that he'd written down last night, bringing it out and waving it triumphantly like a flag.

"Don't wave it about like that!" hissed Arthur, casting a nervous glance over his shoulder at the door.

Merlin ignored him, rubbing his hands together in what was frankly quite creepy glee. "Here we go," he said, cracking his knuckles and inadvertently making Arthur shudder.

"You'll make your knuckles swell up," warned the blue-eyed prince, but Merlin pretended that Arthur hadn't spoken and began to chant:

"_Dewch i mi gan fy mod yn gofyn, y_ Enterprise_!"_

His eyes flashed gold, and for a moment Merlin was too filled with active magic, spreading through his body and then being pumped out, to realize what he had just said.

He had made a mistake.

He had mispronounced a spell.

That never ended well.

As the gold and magic faded from the room, Merlin felt a huge weariness rest on his chest—he was suddenly exhausted. Whatever he'd done, it had been a lot bigger than what he'd originally intended…

"Well, that was anticlimactic," commented the prince. "Nothing happened, Mer—Merlin! What is it?"

His brow creasing in concern, Arthur went to his suddenly pale manservant's side.

"I… I messed up," gasped the exhausted Merlin.

"Nothing happened!" repeated Arthur, almost consolingly.

And then a weird, high pitched whine filled the air of the chambers.

Merlin jerked and pressed his hands to his ears, knowing that something had just happened. And it was not good.

By the tables covered in various papers and remedies, three pillars seemed to materialize, made completely of golden flickering light. The whine grew louder as Arthur drew his sword and Merlin's mouth dropped.

The pillars condensed and solidified—into the weirdest, oddest, most out-of-place men that Merlin had ever seen.

The man in front, who Merlin knew was probably the leader, immediately yanked some… strange, bent-cylinder like thing out of the side of his belt, and he began to twist at it.

"Don't shoot yet," he ordered the two men behind him. "Phasers set on stun!"

As the other two pulled out their own warped cylinders with handles, Arthur came to a conclusion.

It was going to be one of those days.


	2. Star Trek 'Part 1'

**A/N: Not that I imagine you need to know or that you care, but when I talk to my best friend (I'll call her 'E' for simplicity's sake), I often refer to her as Mr. Spock and she calls me Dr. McCoy. Because I so often say odd things to her, she's taken to replying like the Star-Trek-fan she is: "That, doctor, is highly illogical." So… just so you know. McCoy. Spock. BFFs. **

**Anyway, thanks for the reviews! I was shocked by the response—I mean, no, it's not the most I've ever gotten, but it's incredible for a Star Trek/Merlin crossover! **

Star Trek

Maybe Arthur hadn't enough time to get used to knowing Merlin's secret. Maybe there was too much of his father in him. Maybe Arthur was stupid and a prat. Whatever the reason behind it, Arthur didn't bite his tongue when he saw the three men standing in Gaius's chambers, but instead gasped in a horror-filled, disgusted voice:

"_Sorcerers!"_

The look Merlin gave him made him freeze, immediately guilty.

Oops. He'd forgotten that saying that word with such obvious prejudice would tend to anger the servant. Understandably, though—Arthur could vividly remember the day he found out about the non-evil side of magic. It was hard to forget, as Merlin had punched Arthur in the face. (Okay, yeah, Arthur threw the first punch, and it wasn't like Merlin's pathetic attempt hurt, but _still_…) From that morning on, Arthur knew that he really should have a more open mind about magic.

Even when a rainbow in human-ish form appeared in his physician's rooms.

That's why Arthur was slightly relieved when instead of yelling (or face-punching… Not that it hurt the first time, mind you!), Merlin simply snapped. "Don't be ridiculous, Arthur. Of course they aren't sorcerers; can't you tell?"

No, Arthur couldn't, but evidently Merlin could.

So they weren't sorcerers, which begged the question: Who _were_ they?

The leader, a big man with light hair and a fitting shirt so shiny that diamonds had to be sewn into it (though the chest underneath could not compare to Arthur's own, he was sure), answered that question first crack out of the barrel.

"I'm Captain James T. Kirk of the starship Enterprise. This is my first officer, Mr. Spock, and my head surgeon, Dr. McCoy. Who are you, what are we doing here, and what do you want with us?" All three bent cylinders, which Arthur assumed were some sort of weapon – hadn't Kirk called them phasers? – were aimed at Arthur, who was obviously the bigger threat. As he was carrying a sword, and Merlin was not.

Arthur and Merlin blinked in surprise. The man in yellow – Kirk – had said that all without taking a breath, really fast, and without changing expression. It was pretty impressive, but they weren't sure exactly what he'd said. He was a captain, they heard that…

"What's a starship?" asked Merlin in confusion.

"Why have you kidnapped us?" demanded Captain Kirk.

"Why did you appear in a beam of light?" asked Merlin.

"What planet is this?"

"Earth," supplied Merlin, confused. "Where else?"

An older man behind Captain Kirk, who wore a blue, also shiny shirt, looked around and spoke up. "This is not what Earth looks like!" What had Kirk called him? McCoy?

The third man finally spoke in a dry, solemn voice, checking a weird black box that hung about his shoulder. "It was in the 6th century, Captain."

"Yes," said Merlin, befuddled. "When else?"

"That's not possible, Mr. Spock!" cried the captain quite excitedly, spinning around so fast that both Arthur and Merlin became dizzy. "There wasn't the technology needed to yank three Starfleet officers from the bridge sixth century, Earth!"

"Well, Captain," said Mr. Spock, raising his eyebrows in a way that made Merlin think of Gaius, "I suppose we'd have to ask them about it. The tricorder says sixth century, Earth, unless it's malfunctioning."

Merlin and Arthur probably understood about one in every ten words.

Kirk turned back around, eyes narrowed as he took in the sight of Arthur and Merlin. He briefly thought about the Prime Directive, but decided that as he'd been pulled into the sixth century by someone here, it didn't exactly apply. Besides, for someone who should supposedly be willing to let his entire crew die rather than tell primitive civilizations about space travel, Captain Kirk rarely followed that rule. "Who are you?" he asked, gesturing at them.

"I'm Arthur Pendragon and this is my servant, Merlin," the prince informed the captain.

Mr. Spock's eyebrow was making Merlin wish he had Gaius here so he could compare. "As in, _King_ Arthur Pendragon?"

"No; Prince."

Dr. McCoy's eyebrow joined Mr. Spock's, and Merlin had a horrible thought—what if these people, whoever they were, _all_ lifted their eyebrows in that intimidating way? _What if they were just like Gaius?_ Luckily, Kirk did not show any signs of being in that state of perpetual disbelief or slightly condescending unflappability. Merlin liked him already.

Kirk seemed to process this, and then turned and looked back at Spock. "We've been pulled back in time? Again?"

"A bit farther this time, though, Jim," remarked McCoy.

Spock concurred. "We… seem to be in the time of 'knights and dragons', as they say."

Merlin's eyes flew open and he swallowed hard, clutching onto the table where he ate. "D-dragons? What about a dragon?" Oh, no. If they knew about Kilgharrah…

"That's a myth, surely," said Kirk, ignoring Merlin. The warlock didn't mind, though. He was used to that behavior.

"Apparently not, Captain, because we are in it."

"How," asked the captain, now in a dramatic whisper, "is that possible?"

Arthur started forward, feeling that they did, after all, owe these men an explanation. But he didn't trust them, so the sword stayed in his hands.

"Jim," McCoy called, alerting the captain to Arthur's approach.

Kirk turned around, eyeing Arthur warily yet again. Quite understandable. Kirk generally didn't trust people with swords as a rule, unless they were named 'Sulu'. Even then…

"That was my servant's fault," explained Arthur, trying to achieve the remarkable feat of looking unthreatening enough to be trusted and threatening enough not to be messed with. He had debatable success.

Kirk cast Merlin a calculating look.

"And how is that?" asked Mr. Spock, folding his arms behind him and looking curious.

Arthur and Merlin shared a look, and both silently asked the other the question: _Can these people be trusted with Merlin's secret? _Because, as much as they deserved an explanation, Arthur could live with being unfair if it meant Merlin stayed alive.

"Where did you say you were from again?" asked Merlin.

Captain Kirk considered lying. He considered following the rules. But then, since he'd already told them certain things he shouldn't have… _Might as well be hung for a cow as a goat. _

"The twenty-third century."

Arthur's eyes met Merlin's again. "It's not like they're in a position to tell my father."

"Especially not in those shiny shirts… And with that one's ears."

Arthur nodded and turned back to Kirk. "He was using a spell that went wrong, and he accidently dragged you three from your… ship."

"Magic?" asked McCoy in an entirely doubtful tone.

Merlin was used to that tone, too, whenever he was accused of having magic.

Kirk's first impulse was to argue that magic didn't exist, but he bit his tongue as he mulled it over. After all, until a very short time ago, he would've argued that the Greek gods hadn't existed either.*

"I'm very sorry about it, too," said Merlin, bobbing his head, and for the first time Kirk realized that this… servant, Merlin (wait, _the_ Merlin?) rather resembled a puppy dog. A loyal look in his eye, a goofy smile on his face, and a look like he was always being chastised. (And if he pulled men from a few thousand years in the future to his city every day, he probably was.)

Kirk nodded slowly.

"Um… now that I've apologized, can everyone put up their weapons? If that's what those are…"

Kirk obligingly slipped his phaser back into his belt, and McCoy and Spock followed his lead. Arthur sheathed the sword. The tension and distrust in the room went down about fifty percent—Mr. Spock would give a more exact measurement, of course, but as a Vulcan he was rather poor at feeling the distrust in the air.

"Thank you."

Spock observed, though he said nothing out loud, that though a silly looking boy, Merlin seemed to have the power to make things happen, even if no one realized it. That was probably a good thing—If he really did have magic, power could be useful. _Subtle _power could be _necessary._

* * *

They spent the next half hour explaining things to each other.

Merlin was much relieved to discover that, no; people did not grow pointed ears in the future. He was disturbed to discover that there were _other planets_. He absolutely refused to believe that the world wasn't round. He was also displeased at finding out how very flimsy those diamond-shirts were. Kirk just brushed up against a splinter on the medical table and a huge gash appeared on the fabric. (Merlin had been displeased at this because whoever made their clothes was obviously ripping them off, and _he_ kept _his _master clothed properly.)

Arthur, for his part, was relieved that swordplay still existed, even if it was renamed fencing.

McCoy, who turned out to be an expert on the legend, thought the facts that magic was outlawed, that Merlin was young, and that Guinevere was a servant were mind-blowing (though Arthur couldn't figure out what was so earth-shattering about them—especially the last two).

Kirk was glad that the person who pulled them back in time wasn't a killer, a lunatic, or someone else with malicious intent. He was also happy that Merlin could, after looking up the spell, send them home again.

Spock, whose scientific curiosity was getting the better of him, was rather happy to be told that while Merlin tried to find the reverse spell, the officers of the Enterprise got to explore Camelot.

"But not in those clothes," Arthur said. "You'd be arrested in a second. Captain Kirk, you could borrow one of my shirts… It should fit, for the most part."

"But please don't mess it up," begged Merlin. "I have to clean it!"

"Mr. Spock… try one of Merlin's shirts. It might be a little snug, but it will work."

"Don't mess it up, either," whined the warlock. "It's the only other one I have!"

"Doctor…" Arthur stopped and looked McCoy up and down, stumped. McCoy shifted his weight rather uncomfortably.

"Gwen still has a few of her father's shirts lying around," Merlin said. "But you can't mess it up any more than Arthur's shirt or my shirt."

"Why? Surely you don't have to clean his clothes too?" remarked McCoy, ever snarky.

"Gwen's father died. She's attached to his things."

"Oh…" McCoy went silent as he attempted to pull his foot out of his mouth.

"Alright," said Arthur. "I'll go get my shirt. Merlin, give Mr. Spock yours. Then you can go and collect another from Gwen."

"When he goes, can I come along?" asked Kirk. "I must admit, I'm rather curious about Camelot."

Arthur nodded.

He shouldn't have done that, really.

**A/N: Because I really wanted to get this out today, and because it was longer than I wanted, I decided to split Star Trek into two parts. I may or may not do that for the others! I will be doing a crossover for **_**Howl's Moving Castle**_** too. Possibly **_**The Princess Bride **_**movie. Any more suggestions? Please review and tell me what you thought. Because I had to cram information, this chapter was less funny, but hopefully you still cracked a smile? If so, tell me. **

*** Reference to Star Trek episode "Who Mourns for Adonis?" (The internet says that's wrong but it so isn't!) They discover that Greek gods existed, but were actually powerful and ALMOST immortal aliens. And Kirk wins the screen with this line when told he should bow down and worship the gods: "No, thanks, we find the **_**one**_** quite sufficient." **


	3. Star Trek 'Part 2'

Star Trek 

"Quite an… _interesting_ city," commented Kirk, shifting in Arthur's shirt as he followed behind Merlin.

Merlin glanced back at him. The strange man from the future had a weird way of emphasizing his words. Like Arthur… but worse. "It's like any other city, I guess… Well, except for the no-magic law." He smiled a little but glanced around before he spoke, making sure no one could hear him. It would not be a good idea to be arrested now, not when three people depended on him to get them home.

Kirk nodded. "It's quite peaceful." (He was really missing his ship… They'd probably had two explosions and a fatality since he left!)

"In between executions, yeah," agreed Merlin, and then laughed at Kirk's look. "I'm only joking… mostly. Oh, here's Gwen's house."

They arrived at a little house, barely a hut, but quite quaint. It had a woman's touch, Kirk noted to himself as Merlin knocked on the door.

It opened to reveal a peasant woman in a low-cut, ill-fitting yellow dress. Kirk did a double take when he saw her—it was quite disconcerting, after all this time, to lay eyes of a woman who had her legs covered and her curly hair down. But, in a unique sort of way, she was pretty… No green hair or silver bikinis like the other girls he knew…

"Merlin!" she greeted enthusiastically. "What're you doing here; shouldn't you be working for Arthur?"

"Actually, I was looking for a favor."

Gwen's brow furrowed and she looked past Merlin to Kirk, standing in the street. "He doesn't need a place to stay too, does he?" she asked in a low voice. "Because, really, Merlin, the neighbors are beginning to talk…"

"No, no, it's not that," he assured her. "I just wanted to borrow a shirt."

While Merlin explained the situation (well, a very abridged version) to Gwen, Kirk studied her. Green hair, he decided, wouldn't suit her anyway, but thinking past that horrible dress, she might not look bad in that silver bikini… And really, she was very pretty even without… He wondered if Spock would mind if he didn't join the others for their tours. Arthur and Merlin had said he could explore; they didn't say _what_ he had to be exploring…

"Thanks, Gwen. No, I promise I'll return it without a scratch. It's only for today. You're a jewel, Gwen."

She smiled at Merlin as she scurried back into her house to grab the shirt Dr. McCoy was to wear. Coming back, she handed it, folded up, to the young warlock. Turning her bright smile to Kirk, she said kindly, "Enjoy your time in Camelot! Merlin, if you need anything…"

"Thanks, Gwen."

With one last white grin, she closed the door and was gone.

Kirk stared after her.

"Well, let's head back to Gaius's so we can… Captain Kirk? What are you looking at?" Merlin glanced around and saw. "Gwen?"

He laughed, causing Kirk to look at him sharply, a little offended. Did he doubt Kirk's ability to woo her…?

Merlin kept chuckling. "Gwen's out of bounds, Captain… She's Arthur's girl."

"Prince Arthur? But she's a servant."

Merlin shrugged. "Chock it all up to love and destiny. Arthur's like a bear when he's jealous, though, so do us all a favor and stay away."

"Of course," Kirk assured him, smiling.

Of course he would stay away. Who did the boy think he was talking to? Oh wait… he was talking to Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise… Right. There was no way Gwen was being stayed away from.

**Break**

Merlin sighed in frustration, running his hands through his hair as he snapped his magic book shut. He picked up a pen, dipped it in ink, and scribbled down another two words onto a sheet of paper. He'd been doing this for the past thirty minutes, ever since he discovered that his book did not have a spell to reverse the one he'd cast.

After he'd announced this news to the others, he'd thought that McCoy was going to have a heart attack on the spot, so he'd quickly promised that he could improvise. He was sure, he said, that if he just had the chance to look up more magic words and cobble them together into a spell.

Looking at his parchment, he realized that finally –_ finally_ – he was done. Now all he had left to do was find the crew of the Enterprise, which had scattered, and transport them home.

This shouldn't be too hard. Arthur had promised to keep an eye on them—and besides, how much trouble could they get into in just half an hour?

Merlin didn't know the Enterprise crew very well...

* * *

"Arthur, where are they?"

Arthur pulled up short when his manservant descended on him in the halls.

"Who?"

"Kirk, Spock, and McCoy!" cried Merlin, frustrated.

Arthur winced. "Oh, man, I knew there was something I was forgetting!"

Merlin stared at him with his mouth open for a second, his whole body going slack. He nearly dropped the folded parchment in his hand. "YOU FORGOT THE MEN FROM THEFUTURE RUNNING AROUND CAMELOT?"

"Not so loud!" ordered Arthur. "Look, it was an honest mistake!"

_Yeah,_ thought Merlin, _but so was releasing the dragon! _Out loud he said, "Well, we need to find them! Who knows what trouble they could get into, not knowing Camelot!"

"Of course," agreed Arthur. "Where shall we start?"

Merlin considered. "The dungeons."

"You're such a pessimist. They've only been out of sight forty-five minutes. What are the chances one already landed in the dungeons?"

Arthur needed to learn to watch his clichés.

* * *

Mr. Spock was in the brig.

And he wasn't sure quite why, though he had an inkling. Chances are that, since people began to gasp and call for guards when his hat fell off, it had something to do with his ears.

That wasn't completely unexpected though. He'd traveled into primitive societies before, and they all tended to have similar reactions to the sight of his pointed ears. He'd even expected the whispers, though "sorcerer" was a new one for him. The rest were almost overused—"freak", "demon", "devil-worshipper"…

Mr. Spock didn't have a devil; it didn't fit into his strictly logical beliefs. But he understood the habits of theirs.*

Which was why he was not particularly looking forward to the morning. He'd never been burned alive, and so of course he didn't know, but he doubted it was pleasant.

He had been pacing the cells for barely half an hour when suddenly a familiar face was pressed against the bars and he heard a shout: "I found one, Arthur!"

Arthur strode into view, sighing at the sight of Spock behind bars. "Okay, Merlin, you were right… Mr. Spock, what happened?"

Merlin rolled his eyes at Arthur and pointed to Spock's ears. "Has King Uther seen you yet, Mr. Spock?"

"No."

"Good, let's keep it that way. Arthur…?"

Arthur nodded and called toward a guard posted down the hall. "Guard!"

The man came running, and Arthur immediately ordered him to let Mr. Spock out.

"I'm sorry, Sire," replied the man in armor, shaking his head. "King Uther doesn't want him let out until he can see him."

Arthur was stumped. He looked at Merlin, as though for help, knowing there was no way that he could override his father.

As it turned out, Merlin was prepared for that.

"Watch out!" he yelled, pointing towards Spock. "He's using magic!"

And as the alarmed guard began to turn towards the prisoner, who had been standing stoically this entire time, Mr. Spock leapt into action and reached out of the bars, gripping the man's shoulder.

He fell without a sound, and Merlin and Arthur stared, slack-jawed.

"What did you do?" asked Arthur.

Mr. Spock, who, despite appearances, was not completely void of a sense of humor, considered answering with 'the Vulcan Death Grip'. But he didn't, partly because he didn't want to panic King… no, wait, Prince Arthur, and partly because that wasn't a joke worthy of an emotionless Vulcan like himself. "He'll wake up in a few minutes," he said instead, and a relieved Merlin swiped the guard's keys, beginning to unlock the door.

"Well, that's one way to do it," he said. "I was going to use magic when he wasn't looking, but that works. Can you teach me how to do that?"

Mr. Spock shook his head. "I've tried to teach humans."

Merlin shrugged, not too disappointed, and the door the cell was flung open. "Ah," he said with a sigh. "I love jailbreaks."

"Oh, is _that _why you get arrested so often?" asked Arthur.

Merlin shrugged and blushed as Mr. Spock walked calmly out of his jail. "We should leave before this gentleman awakes," suggested the alien, gesturing toward the guard.

"Right," agreed Merlin.

"Let's find Kirk next… Where would he be?"

Merlin hadn't a clue, but Spock jumped in helpfully: "Merlin, while you were with him, did you pass any pretty women?"

* * *

They found Captain Kirk in a lip-lock with Camelot's future Queen.

She held out longer than most, actually, possibly because she was alarmed at the stranger bursting into her house and trying to woo her.

But no one could resist Kirk for too long, and he was persistent.

(_Plus_, she thought wickedly, _if Arthur can take time to make out with that cow, Lady Vivian, or let himself get engaged to Elena… _After all, there was nothing official between her and Arthur…)

Finally she let herself be drawn into the kiss, rather uncomfortable (Kirk squeezed too tight).

A moment later, the door opened and Arthur, Merlin, and Spock walked in.

Kirk reacted rather suddenly, jerking away from her and holding Gwen at arm's length. Her teeth rattled with the speed of his movements.

Merlin moaned. "Gwen! Again?"

Arthur glowered, his grip tightening where his sword should be—but it wasn't there. Spock had asked his to take it off. "Kirk!" he growled.

Mr. Spock looked unimpressed and slightly disapproving.

"Hands off of her!" roared Arthur, losing control, and launched himself at Kirk in a red-eyed fury.

Gwen dived out of the way, but Kirk tumbled to the ground, knocking over a small table. He stumbled to his feet, as did Arthur, and then he punched the prince square in the jaw.

And thus began one of Star Trek's episodal fistfights.

"Arthur!" squealed Gwen. "Watch out for my table!"

Merlin glanced at Mr. Spock. "Perhaps we should…?"

"Stand here and watch?"

"Exactly what I was thinking."

And they did.

* * *

It was a while before they began to search for Dr. McCoy. A while that included several black eyes; Captain Kirk discovering that actually, the physical training for knights _was _better than Starfleet Captains; and Gwen flinging herself into Arthur's arms crying "My hero!"

But McCoy wasn't far; as a matter of fact, he was right where they had left him: the physician's chambers.

At first he had wanted to see how medicine was coming along in the Middle Ages, but pretty soon he had been distracted by something more interesting.

Gaius's eyebrow.

It was like something _alive_.

Seeing the physician move it, Dr. McCoy's own eyebrows felt a little slighted, and immediately rose of their own accord.

Gaius, who was not at all nonplussed by the middle-aged man who wanted to watch him make medicine, saw the movement.

_Was that a challenge…?_

Gaius dropped the vial in his hands and spun on Dr. McCoy, his eyebrow twitching towards the sky.

McCoy, knowing he was facing a formidable foe, felt sweat prick at his forehead, but nonetheless he raised his eyebrow.

Gaius's eyebrow pushed on, halfway up his forehead.

Bones wished for Mr. Spock as he raised his eyebrow as far as he could go, feeling the skin above his eye stretch painfully.

And as Gaius's counterattack…

_No way. No eyebrow can go that high; it isn't human! _

McCoy tried, but he knew that he was defeated before he tried. The sadness of defeat washed through him, and he turned away in shame as the door opened and the rest of the motley crew entered. Merlin was dragging Arthur, who kept glaring daggers at Kirk and had a beautiful shiner. Spock had Kirk by the arm, and the Captain looked rather worse for wear himself.

"What happened?" he asked, all thoughts of his loss pushed out of his mind.

"Guinevere," responded Merlin shortly. "I don't think anyone ever taught your Captain to keep his hands to himself."

McCoy winced. "Sorry about that."

Merlin shot him a rather angry look. "What? No need to apologize for his behavior, why would you? This just means I'll have to make up reasons for why he's beaten up; I'll have to put up with a grumpy Arthur for at least a week, ordering me to much out his stables twice a day; I'll have to spend the next few months patching up my best friends' relationship!" He was breathing rather hard at this point, his eyebrows drawn together. "_What reason would anyone have to apologize for that_?" he added sarcastically, nearly yelling.

His eyes flashed gold for a second before he got himself under control. Mr. Spock did not look like the outburst had affected him at all, but Kirk was rather stubbornly unapologetic, and McCoy looked sympathetic. He could understand how that might irk the warlock.

"Prat," he ordered Arthur, "and you, Gaius, stand over there. I'm sending them home now, before Captain Kirk causes any more trouble for me."

He shot the Captain another glare, angry now that his amusement at watching Arthur fistfight was gone.

"Please," he said to Mr. Spock. "Over there."

The three Federation officers stood in the corner of the room, Merlin facing them with his friends behind him.

"Alright," said Merlin. "Here we go."

"Have you tested this?" asked McCoy rather worriedly.

"No," said Merlin. "I just made it up."

And, satisfied by the rather alarmed look on Kirk's face, he hissed_: "Anfon y swyddogion y Enterprise adref at eu long!"_

The buzzing sound assaulted Merlin's ears again, and with a flash of gold they disappeared.

"Thank goodness that's over," commented Arthur, and Merlin nodded.

"Arthur," he said, "while I was looking up the words for that spell, I looked up the one I was trying earlier. I think I have it now."

"Merlin, what do you…? Merlin, don't you dare try that aga—!"

Too late.

"_Dewch i mi gan fy mod yn gofyn, y_ Ponderosa_!" _

Arthur didn't even have time to groan before their was a flash of light, and Merlin, Arthur, and Gaius were staring down their next problem.

"Pa?" said a disbelieving voice. "Where in tarnation are we?"

* * *

**A/N:**

**I almost lifted this word for word from Star Trek episode "The Day of the Dove". The Klingon captain says: "We have no devil, Kirk. But we understand the habits of yours." It was quite the burn. That's one of my favorite episodes. Mostly because I like seeing Kirk punch Chekov and hearing the same Chekov rant about his non-existent brother. Heehee… **

**Bonanza is next! I don't imagine that many of you have seen that. You could look it up on Wikipedia, or I could give you a rundown if you like. I'm always willing to do that. I'm a Bonanza fangirl first and foremost. So, please, please review?**


	4. Bonanza 'Part 1'

**CeeRat:** Thanks. Sorry, but I haven't actually ever seen Doctor Who, so I can't make a crossover out of that.

**Leonarema:** Thanks for the reviews. Yes, if that were a real episode, Kirk's shirt would be gone with the wind… But people in Camelot would wonder at the half-naked man wondering around, I think. Or not, people in Camelot are very… complacent.

**I know it took a while, but I haven't abandoned you! BY THE WAY. This is going to be a bit of a TWT… Or no particular time setting. I may throw Gwaine or Lancelot in there, but Morgana may still be in Camelot. Basically, whatever you see, go with it**.

Bonanza

Merlin and Arthur (and Gaius, too, though he was rather forgettable) were standing about the physician's chambers, studying the four new arrivals. The one who spoke first, in an odd, garbled accent, was a big man. He wore a strange, tall hat, and a vest over his pants and trousers. He had a round face that probably smiled most of the time (if the lines about his eyes were anything to go by) and Merlin decided immediately that he liked him best. Chances are that he wouldn't decide to be needlessly aggressive, Merlin thought. He couldn't say the same for the rest.

The smallest one (who was still bigger than Merlin, sadly) looked ready to leap on the back of a monster on nothing more than a dare… and win too. Needlessly Aggressive was probably his middle name.

The dark-haired man was presently leaning back against a chair, and he had the unmistakable air of someone who wouldn't be in the least thrown by anything, even something as ridiculous as… Well, as being suddenly yanked backwards in time by an all-powerful warlock.

The last man was probably about the same age as King Uther, and just as intimidating. He had white hair and dark eyes that seemed to snap with a fiery will. He wasn't the sort of person you won an argument against. Yes, he reminded Merlin quite forcefully of a king… Perhaps just not King Uther.

The man sat in chairs, studying the residents of Camelot as closely as they were being observed.

Hoss, the big man, was thinking to himself: _A scrawny man. A strong man. An old man. _He wondered to himself if the little one needed some heartfelt advice. Or maybe the strong one would like to wrestle?

Little Joe, whose middle name was actually Francis (but don't call him that or be ready to duck), was eyeing the men suspiciously. He didn't want to underestimate the small man; after all, he might still be able to handle a gun very well. Joe's hand stayed above his holster, ready to yank his own gun out so fast that it couldn't be seen moving.

Adam, the one with dark-hair, wasn't very impressed. He'd been working on the ranch when everything went blurry and he suddenly found himself with his pa and younger brothers in a strange building. He wasn't quite sure what happened, but if push came to shove, he was sure he would win. Because he was Adam and Adam always won.

Benjamin Cartwright, the father of the whole lot of them, was eyeing his sons nervously. Not that he didn't trust them, but one never knew what they were going to do. When he wasn't watching his sons, he was watching the strange men in front of him. He wondered what they wanted… Though they would probably tell him soon. So far they'd just sat his family down and commenced glaring at each other nervously.

All in all, the Cartwright family from the Wild West, Nevada, was not quite reacting in a satisfactorily alarmed manner.

Merlin turned to Arthur, who was pacing. "Well, they haven't begun screaming yet. I think we can explain things now."

Arthur nodded. "Do you want to do it, or do you want me to… Oh, never mind. You'd just mess it up. I'll do it."

Merlin would have been offended, but Arthur just gave him a chance to avoid the responsibility of explaining spells-gone-wrong to this rather weather-beaten and tough-looking crowd. So he didn't complain.

However, at that exact moment, Joe decided (as he was prone to do) that he was rather tired of acting predictably, and it was time for him to act… well, unpredictably. Grabbing his gun from his holster, Joe launched himself out the door, screaming wordlessly. He threw the door open, waved his gun in the air, and disappeared down the hall.

There was silence.

"Well… that was unexpected," commented Arthur.

"Not really," Adam said, shaking his head and leaning back further in his chair. "At least he didn't throw himself out a window this time."

"Don't make fun of your brother." Merlin wasn't really all that shocked to hear the intimidating man correcting the other, even though he must've been at least thirty years old. The white-haired man would probably correct Morgause, given half the chance. "Throwing himself out the window saved your life."

Merlin wondered if that situation was something similar to the whole Questing Beast scenario.

"Does he do that sort of thing often?" asked Merlin of the big man.

The big man smiled. "Sometimes. Joe's pretty…" He trailed off, trying to think of the word.

"Reckless? Impetuous? Impulsive?"

Hoss shrugged, bowing to Adam's superior vocabulary.

"Though I must say, his behavior may be understandable." Ben, the father, spoke up. His voice was deep and commanding. "Perhaps if we knew where we were or what happened…?"

When Gaius (who the reader doubtless forgot about) spoke, it was clear that he wanted to be whapping somebody on the back of the head, but no one was within arm's reach. Plus, he couldn't really whap the Prince of Camelot. "Arthur," said Gaius, "you were going to explain? You may want to stop dilly-dallying."

"Right." Arthur shook his head to clear it, shooting one last glance at the door. "And then we may want to… uh…"

"Find Joe," Hoss suggested.

Arthur nodded. "I'm Prince Arthur of Camelot, and this is my idiot manservant, _Mer_lin, who accidentally… cast the spell to bring you here. That's Gaius, the castle physician."

Just like the members of the_ Enterprise_ reacted to his name as though they knew him, Adam put his head into his hands, at last affected. "_No_," he moaned. "Not again!"

"Again?" Merlin nearly caught himself raising an eyebrow and looked at Gaius, stopping abruptly.

Ben looked surprised. "Where are we?"

"In Camelot," said Merlin. Remembering Kirk, Spock, and McCoy, he added, "Sixth century. Where are you from?"

The remaining three men gave each other disbelieving looks—well, with the exeception of the dark-haired one, who still had his head in his hands.

"Nineteenth century… Nevada. I'm Ben Cartwright; this is my son Hoss and my son Adam. Joseph, he's the youngest, is the one who ran out the room. What was this about a spell?"

"Oh," started Merlin, giving his most winning smile and hoping the daunting though rather nice (or he seemed so) man wouldn't be too cross with him, "I was… trying to cast a spell, but I haven't really mastered it yet… You're the second visitors we've had from the future, actually. But don't worry, I can send you back right away! Well, after we find Joseph, of course. Can't leave without him." He chuckled unconvincingly.

"Why didn't you send us back already?" asked Hoss, who was asking about details when he had just been transported into legend and yet didn't find his actions odd at all.

"I was… surprised that the spell didn't work again. And… Um, I was just a little caught off guard."

All the Cartwrights looked at him strangely, so Arthur translated: "He's an idiot."

Adam had finally gotten over the memory of his last encounter with a man who claimed to be King Arthur (well, this one said 'Prince,' but it was all the same to a man who just wanted to be working on his family's ranch and reading Shakespeare). He looked up at Ben. "Pa, we both know that there's no such thing as… as spell-casting magic. The real Merlin wasn't actually a magician…"

Merlin stared at him with his mouth hanging open. "What? I am too! Are you saying I'm an imposter?" He looked downright furious.

Ben shrugged. "We're here, aren't we? Besides, this isn't the first thing like this we've run into. The young girl who could tell the future, Joe's ghost town…"

"Joe was delirious!"

"How about Walter?" asked Hoss.

Adam rolled his eyes. "Hoss, the dog's fur could not tell what the weather was going to be."

"Dadburn it, yes it could, Adam!"

The two brothers seemed quite content to descend into a squabble, but their 'pa' cut them off. "Don't you two think you could save this for later? We should look for Joe so we can go home."

Hoss bowed his head and then nodded. "Quickly, too. There's no telling what Joe got into already."

Adam was thinking to himself that his pa couldn't see that they were obviously being tricked. He wasn't sure who would do this to them (but there was always somebody willing to kill them, even when they hadn't done anything); however, he did know that he, the smart one, wasn't going to fall for it. And he wasn't going to let anyone hurt his family either. First chance he got, Adam would sneak off and find where they_ really _were. He nodded. "Alright, Pa."

* * *

Joe, for his part, was not in the least worried about his family. Not right now, anyway. He had broken away from whatever strange kidnappers those were (and Joe, in his time, had faced a LOT of kidnappers of all shapes and sizes and nationalities) with the intent to find help and rescue his family. However, the only help he ran into smelled suspiciously of alcohol and had hair that he had to keep flipping out of his face.

"Mate, you look all strung up."

"My family has been kidnapped by a blonde man and a skinny dark-haired man!"

The man, who wore chainmail and a red cloak, patted him on the shoulder. "Merlin and Arthur? I'm sure they had their reasons then, mate. What you really need is a drink."

"No, I don't need a…! A drink? You have a bar around here?"

"Tavern's right over there. I'll buy you a drink."

"I… Um, well…" Joe bit his lip and rubbed his curly head with one head, thinking. He really had to rescue his family… But he was so thirsty… "Just one, okay?"

The man laughed. "Just one." He held out a hand for shaking. "Gwaine. Well, Sir Gwaine. You?"

Joe shook. "Little Joe Cartwright."

They walked towards the tavern, side by side.

* * *

About fifteen minutes later, Merlin stared at Hoss in disbelief. "How did we manage to lose all of them?" he asked with a tone of alarm.

Hoss was now petting one of Arthur's dogs, who had turned from a ferocious animal to a slobbering puppy after one look at the giant human. "Good doggie. You hungry? I bet I have something…" He reached into one of his pockets while he spoke to Merlin. "Adam snuck off towards the castle when you weren't looking. Pa went with that Arthur fellow when he had to go off… I don't know where they went."

Merlin sighed and ruffled his hair. They'd only been about a minute looking for Joe when Gwen, approached and asked about her father's shirt. Cursing, Merlin fled back to the room where Hoss and his family had appeared (that's when Adam left) and spoke a spell. Hoss asked about it, and he said it was to call back what he had gotten rid of, or something else rather strangely worded. Three men had appeared in a shower of golden sparks. (Ben, who was religious, thought about praying but at last decided against it for the present.) All wore sparkly shirts and regular trousers, but held shirts like the one Arthur and Merlin had on in their hands. Smirking, one of them handed over the shirts, and Merlin said a heartfelt thank you, which was brushed off. With a bit more hocus pocus, Merlin sent them away again.

It was all rather curious, and Hoss had made a note to ask about it when he had a chance… That was, after they found Joe and before they left. Merlin had then returned to searching, but Arthur left, claiming he had business up in the castle. Merlin didn't notice a slightly confused Pa leave with the prince.

And that was how they got where they were now. Merlin wanted to scream… It was the second time in one day that he'd lost men from the future. And this time he lost them near the castle, where they could get into big trouble. They might not stick out quite like sore thumbs, but they hardly fit in either.

"Well, come on, Hoss," he said with a sigh. "Let's find your family before they get in trouble."

Hoss gave the dog another pat and stood up, wiping his hands on his shirt where his stomach stuck out.

* * *

Adam thought the dark haired woman seemed very well informed on everything, and could probably tell him where he actually was. He saw her first when she was talking to a blonde woman (she called her Morgause, though the blonde just called _her_ 'Sister') in a voice that was a bit unnecessarily creepy. But Adam wasn't going to judge by her rather creepy appearance… First impressions were very risky after all. Even though of course, since he was Adam, he was never actually _wrong_. (Well, except that one time. But that all worked out for the better. After all, the man he had thought he was wrong about did end up killing the rest of the robbers to save Joe, didn't he?)

Adam followed her as she walked away from the blonde, a scheming expression on her pale face. Adam thought to himself that she was rather beautiful.

A guard approached her at one point, but she didn't want to be bothered, so with a gold flash of her eyes, the guard wondered off again.

The dark-haired cowboy blinked and pulled up short. Okay, before, he'd been attracted to her. Now he thought he was flat-out in love. Adam had always found culturally diverse women interesting. (As shown by the Jewish woman, the girl who lived like an Indian, and the 'wicked' actress, to name a few.) And a plotting magic-dabbler was quite different.

Adam smiled to himself and kept following her, still determined to get her to help… and to get her name while he was at it.

* * *

**A/N: There you go. For whoever wants to know, every little detail I referenced from the western is actually an episode. A lot of odd things happen in that show. (King Arthur was an old man in secondhand armor who kept getting Adam arrested… and suspected of insanity.) Even if you didn't know who the characters were, thank you for reading. Only one more chapter (hopefully) of Bonanza, and then I'll move on to something else. Review anyway? Please? **


	5. Bonanza 'Part 2'

**A/N: It's been a while, eh? Sorry about that. This story, though I promise not to just abandon it, is not exactly on my priority list. I might have to cut out a few of my planned crossovers, too, but we'll see. Thanks to my reviewers last chapter—Julie Winchester, fernazab, Astiza, ArodieltheElfofRohan. Hopefully it is still enjoyable. Read on!**

* * *

Bonanza 

Gwaine offered the stranger some pickled eggs, but he refused. He didn't usually eat with his beer… even though they weren't drinking beer. They weren't even drinking whiskey. No, they were drinking _ale_.

Not Joe's thing, really. But it was alcohol.

Joe drank what he was given gratefully, but watched himself carefully. He couldn't become intoxicated, because he still had to find those brothers of his, and Pa too. Heavens knew the kind of trouble they could get into without him around (though actually, thinking about it, that was probably less trouble than they would get into _with_ him around). However, he could wait a few minutes. After all, what better place to find help for them than in a tavern with his newfound friend?

No wait… a better place would be at home in Nevada with the faithful ranch hands. Right. Well, this was second best.

"So…" Gwaine drawled, "What exactly happened to your family?"

Joe took another sip of ale. Not half bad. "Kidnapped," he said grimly. "And they need my help."

Gwaine smiled widely. "Kidnapped? By Arthur and Merlin? That doesn't sound like them. What did your family do?"

Joe glared at him. "Nothing! Those _criminals_ just yanked them here from our home… And me, too, but I managed to escape. Surely you people" – here he looked around the tavern, standing up so he had everyone's attention – "aren't just going to sit around and let something like that happen in your town?"

To Joe's surprise, the entire tavern found that hysterically funny. People were nearly rolling on the ground.

Gwaine slapped Joe on the arm gleefully, pulling him back down to his seat by the bar. He, too, was laughing. "That's pretty funny, Mister… But the people of Camelot wouldn't help you if you were their blood-relations." Joe looked at him with narrowed eyes. "They're complacent," he said by way of explanation.

Joe raised his eyebrows.

Gwaine didn't elaborate. He didn't think it needed explaining. These were the people who didn't say a word when their king married a troll.

They also didn't say anything when Leon stood up, much angered by Joe's words against his future monarch, walked up to the bar, and punched Joe in the face.

Really, that wasn't like Leon—he was a man who much preferred to end things the swift way: swords. But the stranger didn't have a sword on him, and besides, there was something about this odd example of humanity in funny and dusty (though very nice) clothes that just seemed to scream _'please use physical and primitive violence upon me, fists welcome'_. Leon guessed he couldn't even use a sword. (Indeed, he was right; Joe could only fence.)

Joe fell backward off his stool, staring at Leon and his ale spilling over his shirt.

Gwaine chuckled good-naturedly, but pushed Leon back from his newfound friend all the same. "Hold on…" he started.

Before he could finish, Joe stood up, brushed the liquid from his ever-present green jacket, and punched Leon in the face. Leon stumbled backward, then recovered and tried to hit back. Joe ducked out of the way, and Leon stumbled forward onto another man sitting at the bar. This man was suitably enraged and quite a bit drunk, so he forgot that he was facing a knight and tried to hit back… only, he misjudged and struck Gwaine. And Gwaine, never one to refuse an invitation, hit him right back.

And so began the second fist fight Camelot had seen today. But this time, it was a bar fight. Which, Gwaine reflected joyfully, were always more fun to participate in.

* * *

It wasn't that King Uther was a bad person, Ben decided. Very few people were just 'bad,' in his opinion. (Unless, of course, they hurt one of his sons. In which case Ben was too busy punching or shooting to think about their personal morality.) No, most people had some good inside of them, and it just took a bit of talking to get it out. A bit of talking about what was really important or right.

Some people might call Ben naïve for his beliefs, but those people didn't know Benjamin Cartwright very well. This was the man that had single-handedly encouraged more cowards, sobered more drunks, civilized more savages, and saved more lost souls than the Witchfinder had arrested witches. (And the Witchfinder had arrested _a lot_ of witches.) This was the man who had gotten out of being tortured to death by a revenge-mad Indian by saying the Lord's Prayer. And on top of all that, Ben Cartwright was bloody scary when he was in an argument, and very often right, so if he said that most people had good inside of them… Then dang it, most people had good inside of them!

Therefore, when Ben Cartwright had seen the King signing some death warrants, speaking quite callously about the death of some commoner, and just generally being quite intolerant towards people that had some strange magical powers, he decided to put him straight. Ben waited until the king was mostly alone though; Arthur and most of the people dawdling about had left after the King talked to them a bit about something unimportant, leaving Uther with just paperwork and some guards.

Ben moved forward. "Excuse me, Sire," he said, and then stopped and thought about his next move. Might as well… He bowed.

Uther looked up from the paperwork and blinked at the stranger.

"Who are you?" he asked with all the confidence that being a king gave him. "What are you doing here and when did you get here?"

"Benjamin Cartwright…Your Highness," Ben said politely, but with all the confidence that being a Cartwright gave him. "I don't mean to seem rude… But it just seems to me that you might like to reconsider some of the things you are doing here."

Uther blinked. "…What?"

Ben jumped right into it, rather than walking on eggshells. "It seems to me that you made some of the decisions you were just talking about quite hastily. That sorcerer that you decided to execute just now, for example. I didn't see any evidence that he had done anything to hurt anyone."

(If the guard twitched in the corner at that point, it was because he had an itch and not because he found the sight of his monarch being lectured by a man with white hair and a kind face at all amusing.)

Uther later would blame the fact that he didn't arrest this man immediately on the state of sheer boredom that paperwork always caused in him. He leaned forward in his throne, putting down the papers in his hand. "Magic," he said flatly, "is against the law."

Ben nodded wisely. "Of course, Sire, and I am too believe that the law should always be allowed to operate… But the law needs to be just." He opened his mouth, then closed it again and considered. "Sire, do you mind if I sit down?" They might be here a while.

* * *

Adam knew two things.

One, this Morgana, though beautiful, was unquestionably evil. She hadn't flat out told him, and she did seem to be working against the men who had brought his family here, but it didn't really matter. He knew anyway. He knew because he was Adam, and, to reiterate, Adam tended to be right. Especially about women.

Two, this Morgana, though evil, was a very good kisser.

He hadn't wasted any time. The moment he ran into her, he introduced himself and asked for her name. She greeted him with an admiring look in her eyes, looking over the dark hair and piercing eyes.

"Morgana," she said. "The Lady Morgana."

Adam nodded. He'd been carrying his hat around in his hands since he arrived in Camelot, but now he put it on his head and tipped it.

Morgana melted a little inside.

"Ma'am," said Adam, "I wanted to ask you a few questions, if you would be so kind. I'm… a stranger around here. Just got in… Where am I, exactly?"

She gave him a funny look. "Camelot. The castle."

She'd answered the rest of his questions too, standing out there in the hall. This is what he got out of their conversation: that skinny man and the blond had been telling the truth. Either that or everyone around here was loco. Oh, and around there he also realized she was evil.

And somehow, from there, he found himself kissing her. Technically, she was kissing him… Morgana, like a good deal of women, found him hard to resist even when he was just standing there. Perhaps it had something to do with the smoldering eyes or the intelligent expression. Perhaps it was because she was rather desperate; after all, of the four main characters, she was the only one who hadn't had at least one good kissing scene. Whatever the reason, she leaned forward and kissed him.

If one asked Adam why he did a lot of the things he did, he would probably be forced to answer, "Because I am Adam," as shown in several earlier lines. And therefore the reader will not be too shocked to learn that Adam did not pull away, because he was Adam, and Adam _never_ pulled away until he'd allowed himself to be kissed for at least several seconds. (Not even if the woman was married or engaged, and he'd had no intention to let her kiss him.) And because Adam never pulled away from the woman that was kissing him for a while, _especially_ if she shouldn't have been kissing him in the first place, someone directly connected to the woman (for example, a fiancé or husband) would _always _view Adam being kissed.

For that reason and no other, Hoss and Merlin rounded the corner at that exact moment and then stopped and stared.

Merlin blushed a bit. Hoss was unimpressed.

Merlin looked back at the large man. "He's only been here for a few minutes."

Hoss nodded. "Who is that?"

"Um… The Lady Morgana. She's the king's ward… Oh, and she's also conspiring against the king to bring down Camelot and kill Arthur before he becomes king. And she used to be so nice."

Hoss nodded sympathetically. "I'm sorry about that."

"Well, it happens. Perhaps we should… disentangle… your brother so that we can go find your father and other brother?"

Hoss agreed readily enough, but then looked up. Adam had decided to kiss Morgana back (neither was paying attention to the newcomers) and if Hoss tried to separate them, things might get violent. The big man sighed and rolled up his sleeve.

A few minutes later, Morgana was standing alone in the hall, staring after Adam with a dreamy expression. Morgause found her there, but no matter how the older sister pressed the need for them to come up with a plan to take down Camelot, Morgana was not particularly interested.

* * *

"…And that is why one must be tolerant of other's beliefs. After all, I could have judged the Mormon and the Indians, but what would that help?"

Uther's forehead was wrinkled. Against his better judgment, he was interested in what this man was saying. "But the Indians kidnapped your oldest boy that other time," he said in confusion. "And you let them get away with that?"

Ben blinked at him. "What could I do? They were all wiped out by the army anyway."

Uther shrugged. He had a point.

"But that wasn't the point, Your Highness. The point is that this prejudice and tendency to blame magic for your own mistakes could get you and your son killed one day…"

It was at that moment that Arthur walked into the throne room. He heard just that last sentence, and saw his father with a red face and the stranger talking quite calmly with arms folded in front of him, sitting on a chair next to the throne. The guards were nearly hyperventilating in their attempts not to laugh.

Arthur felt panic setting in. Oh, for the love of Camelot; the stranger was trying to teach his father! Arthur's father rarely took that well… In his desperation to save the stranger from his father's inevitable wrath, Arthur nearly threw himself across the room and latched onto the older man.

"I'm sorry, Father… I was just looking for you, Mr. Cartwright."

Uther was surprised. "You know him?"

"He's… a bit… senile," said Arthur hesitantly. Ben looked offended. "Sorry, Father. I was just looking for him… He should be in Gaius's chambers right now."

"Is he a patient?"

"Um… yes! Yes, he is. My apologies… I'll just take him back… Mr. Cartwright, come on." He walked to the door, nearly dragging the protesting Ben behind him. He shoved the Cartwright out of the room and gave his father a small smile.

"Arthur… Wait a moment," called the king. "This man says that my prejudice against magic makes me blind. Do you think that is true?"

If Arthur hadn't been in a hurry, he would have stopped long enough to let his mouth drop open. "Father, Gaius did ask for his patient back _immediately_…"

"Yes, well, come back when you are finished, and we will discuss it, Arthur."

"Yes, Father."

Arthur ducked out of the room, staring at the miracle-worker before him with wide eyes. And the guards continued to battle their emotions.

* * *

The white haired man and Arthur met Merlin and the Cartwrights he was towing. Now that Arthur wasn't busy and Adam believed them, things could go smoother, Merlin hoped.

"So… where is your brother most likely to be?" he asked the ones behind him.

All three Cartwrights looked at each other for a second before speaking together. "Do you have a bar?"

* * *

The barkeep was wiping glasses. Gwaine was sitting at the bar drinking.

They found Joe standing over the unconscious body of a dozen men, sprawled in various positions, in the tavern. He was rubbing his knuckles.

"Joe," complained Ben, "what did you do this time?"

"Not me," said Joe, pointing. "He started it."

Ben turned his eyes towards the brown-haired man and was shocked. "He looks dead!"

Gwaine turned upon hearing that. "Oh, no, that's Leon. He always looks dead in these cases. He never is." He climbed down from his chair and went to check Sir Leon's pulse. "See, he's fine."

Then he went back to drinking.

Joe smiled at his family. "I wondered where the rest of you were! I wanted to come save you," he told them apologetically, "but then I got a bit… busy." He nudged a passed out man with his foot.

"Did ya knock out all them men?" asked Hoss, looking around.

"Oh, no. Gwaine knocked out that one." Joe smiled at Arthur and Merlin, unpredictable as always. "Are we friends now?"

Merlin told him yes.

Then, without further ado, they dragged the youngest Cartwright away from the alcohol and towards the physician's chambers.

* * *

"_Roedd y bobl__a anfonwyd__adref__at eu__lle."_

Merlin gave a sigh of relief as the Cartwrights disppeared back to their home.

Arthur was a little surprised. "That's not the spell you used last time!"

"I know, I tweaked it to make it work better for our ranching friends," said Merlin.

"It still works?"

"Of course. I'm all powerful."

"Right; that's why the last two times you couldn't even conjure—"

Merlin cut him off. "Speaking of which, are you ready to try that again?" He spoke brightly, with a smile that stretched across his whole face.

Arthur's blue eyes widened in alarm. "No, Merlin—!"

"_Dewch i mi gan fy mod yn gofyn, y _Millennium Falcon!"

* * *

**A/N: Yep, Star Wars is next! I hope that everyone enjoyed. Reviews are welcome. See you next update. **

**By the way, about Adam and the kissing... I was thinking of the episodes in s1 where that hunter's wife kisses him to make her husband mad (and Adam just stares at her in shock) and in s5 when Hoss's fiance kissed him (and he let her because he was trying to get proof that she wasn't the right kind of girl for Hoss, but Hoss saw them and misunderstood everything).**


	6. Star Wars 'Part 1'

**A/N: Hey, so I had some problems with this story. Like, I completely lost interest in it, and then I started finishing up all of my other stories to make room for new ones to work on. Eventually I decided I just have to end this story a lot earlier than I expected. This will be my last crossover, then. Sorry if you were looking forward to one—I really wanted to finish this, but I didn't want to just abandon it. So I'll write this and then end it.**

**Thanks.**

* * *

Star Wars

Merlin didn't think he liked this lot of characters as much.

Sure, the Cartwrights had been big and rough-and-tumble, but Hoss had been friendly, and Joe hadn't been so bad when he could be made to stand still.

But that man was waving a glowing sword around. The other man was pointed something like Hoss's gun at them. The girl just looked generally unfriendly.

Merlin was the most worried about the glowing sword.

Arthur drew his own (shiny, but not glowing) sword and pointed it at the unfriendly man with a glare.

"Han, Leia," said the stranger, "you get the small one, I'll take this one."

Han pointed his weapon at Merlin and pulled the little part that stuck out at the bottom, and a bright light shot from the weapon towards Merlin. Merlin leapt out of the way.

And then the stranger attacked. Arthur parried the blow…

And the top of Arthur's sword fell off.

And Merlin decided things had gotten quite out of hand enough.

From his spot on the ground (where'd he'd fallen after his dramatic looking leaping), Merlin threw a hand out and his eyes flashed gold. The strangers were pushed back away from Merlin and Arthur, slamming into the ground a bit painfully. Merlin made no attempt to cushion their landing. Mean it might have been, but in the past day, strangers had managed to destroy Arthur's shirt, Arthur's relationship with Gwen, a tavern, and now Arthur's shirt.

Except for the tavern, those were all things Merlin was responsible for, or _thought_ he was responsible for.

All because he couldn't get one spell right!

Arthur fell to his knees beside the blade, staring. He'd once said that no man was worth his tears, and he meant every word of it. But hell if he didn't burst into tears over his dead sword.

The man with the light sword sat up, and Merlin saw that his magical blade was gone. He gawked at Merlin. "You can use the Force?"

"Use the what?"

"The Force."

"What?"

"You just used the Force to push us down!"

"No, I didn't!"

"Yes, you did!"

"What are you talking about?"

"What are _you_ talking about?"

The girl – Leia? – interrupted. "Of course he used the Force. And he has to be powerful, too, to knock us all down." She had a haughty way of talking. Merlin figured that would put many people off of her. But Merlin had spent the best years of his life serving Arthur and alternately trying to kill and save Morgana. He was used to that.

"I used magic," said Merlin. "The language of the Old Religion?"

"The what?"

"What?"

Arthur cut in, looking up. "Don't start that _again_." He sniffed a bit.

"What again?" That was Merlin, but he was just trying to start problems because he was still miffed about the sword lying on the ground.

"Let's start from the beginning," suggested the man with the sword. "What just happened?"

There was a pause while everyone reflected on the events that had just happened and how to start explaining them to themselves.

"Well," said Leia slowly, "Han shot first."

And a million Star Wars fans gave the author a high-five.

* * *

After introductions had been made, Luke had apologized for trying to kill Arthur (he tried to defend himself by saying that Arthur stood like a member of the Empire), and Merlin had used magic to mend Arthur's sword, Merlin had meant to send the strange people back to their home.

But then he'd had to stop to comfort Arthur more by saying that he'd get him a new, better sword someday (and this while he coughed guiltily), and somehow someone had mentioned Morgana, and then Leia had asked who Morgana was, and then Gwen had walked in to try and apologize to Arthur for what happened…

And then everyone just started talking. And Merlin thought that it would be rude to send them away mid-word.

And way too many sentences in this chapter begin with the word _and_.

Leia was talking with Arthur. Luke had tried to join in, but when he discovered Arthur was a monarch, and Arthur discovered that he was a rebel, they stopped getting along so well.

Han had gotten jealous because Leia was flirting with another man (and a royal, like her!), so he decided to flirt with Gwen. Guinevere was always up for flirting, of course, as long as Lancelot and Arthur didn't find out about it, and since Arthur was currently talking to a pretty woman… but Han and Gwen had turned out to have a lot in common, and both got very interested.

That left Luke and Merlin to awkwardly strike up a conversation with each other. They ended up discussing something that neither of them completely understood, but it had something to do with slash and fangirls and imagined sexual tension between best friends when really they had crushes on said best friend's sister.

"I see exactly what you're saying," Arthur said, sitting back. "It's not your fault. How could you know? The same thing happened to me when I was twelve!"

Leia raised an eyebrow. "You kissed your brother?"

"No, my sister. Well, half-sister. Well, technically, I'm not sure I know that yet, because the time around here is all skewed. But I still kissed her, so it's the same idea."

"You just can't help your feelings, you know? If we just knew who was related to us and who wasn't…"

"Did your father cheat with his best friend's wife too?" asked Arthur.

"No," said Leia. "I think he was faithful, even though I never really knew him. I was adopted when I was little, remember?"

"Well, at least he was that," said Arthur.

"He also kept his marriage secret because his having a wife was forbidden, and then he later joined forces with Palpatine to take over the galaxy and rule it in a reign of terror. And he had to wear an all-black outfit with a mask or else he couldn't breathe. And let's not forget the time he had me tortured."

Arthur blinked at her. "I… I think I'll keep my own father."

"I figured you'd say that," she said in her regal way, with a bit of a sniff.

Gwen nodded her head so eagerly that her black curls bobbed as she spoke with Han. "It's hard, I know. I just… I know it's real this time, the real deal, but that doesn't make it easier to be faithful."

Han nodded, smiling roguishly just because he could and looking a little like Gwaine. "I'm glad someone understands," he said. "When you're just so used to being free to do whatever you want, being tied down to someone… Even someone as great as Leia…"

"Or Arthur."

"Or him, I suppose… being tied down is a scary thought. You don't want to say you will if you can't. You'd ruin whatever relationship you managed to build."

"Or even a whole kingdom! I mean, I've resisted the urge to kiss you five times just since we started talking!"

"And I keep battling with myself not to run off and go smuggle something illegal."

Han and Gwen smiled at each other in complete understanding.

Now for the next conversation.

"But hey, you got to meet your father, for real, as a good guy, before he got killed!"

"But that doesn't change the fact that he destroyed whole planets. People remember him as villain. I mean, I know saving me was supposed to be the turning point for him, and I'm grateful… But I wouldn't have minded him surviving so that he could keep redeeming himself."

Merlin shook his head. "And they won't remember that you destroyed an entire space station the size of a moon? With people on it?"

Luke shot him an amused look. "I won the war. I'm a good guy. They never remember the people I kill."

Merlin suddenly remembered a couple of hundred people he'd killed. Sure, it had been for Arthur or his friends… But really, hadn't the toad trick been a bit unfair? And he hadn't really needed to use lightning. He should be grateful that they never remembered the people the good guy killed. He decided to move to the next point. "They never get to live to redeem themselves, Luke. They usually die proving themselves. My father did. So did my best friend. In my arms, actually."

"Most of my friends just blew up. But my father died in my arms. On a ship that was blowing up. Saving me."

"It's traumatic, isn't it?"

"A nightmare."

Arthur and Leia looked up, hearing part of their conversation. "Are you talking about fathers too?" asked Arthur.

Luke shot a look at Merlin. (Though, with the experiences he'd had the past few days with shooting, he was loathe to think the word _shot_.) "Arthur's father?"

"Magic-hating, paranoid, poorly expresses emotions like pride and love, suffering a broken heart, cheating with his friend's wife and conceived a daughter who grew up a tried to kill him, and committed what is tantamount to genocide," rattled off Merlin.

"But he never tortured his kids," pointed out Leia.

"What about his mother?" asked Luke.

"Dead."

"Ah. Ours too."

Merlin sighed. "Really, I think we all have parent issues."

Gwen and Han didn't get a chance to protest that _they_ didn't (they had _other_ issues), because just then the door open and a man with gray hair and a red cape swept in regally.

"Arthur," said Uther, "you didn't come back to have that discussion with me, so…" He stopped and looked around at all the strangers, looking stunned.

"Speak of the devil," muttered Merlin.


	7. Star Wars 'Part 2'

Star Wars

Luke was a jumpy sort, Merlin decided. No doubt because of the trauma with his father. The minute Uther walked in with that sword hanging at his side, Luke jumped and grabbed his… what was it he had called it? Oh, yes. A lightsaber. He turned it on, and a soft light filled the room.

Merlin groaned. He should have sent them back at once. Now he had to save these strangers (and perhaps himself, depending on Uther's mood) from being killed, probably break a few more laws, and then send them back. He never learned.

Why couldn't the king knock?

Oh, right, because he was King Uther.

Merlin really hated King Uther sometimes.

But for some reason, the king didn't turn red with fury or yell for the guards.

"Oh, look," he said. "Magic."

They looked at him. He looked at them.

"Magic is illegal," said Uther. "Perhaps you were not aware of that fact?"

Luke and Han met each other's eyes, but it was Leia who said it. "Magic?"

Uther nodded. "I thought you might not know."

"Um…"

"They didn't," Arthur cut in. "I'll get rid of them immediately, Father." Arthur was looking rather alarmed at his father's peaceful expression and… was that a smile? Oh, that couldn't be good. What had Ben _done_ to him?

Merlin knew he shouldn't ask, but somehow he just couldn't keep quiet. "You aren't going to arrest them, Sire?"

Uther looked at him, and for once there was no contempt or anger in his eyes. "I'm turning over a new leaf. Giving warnings first and such. Ignorance of the law… is it an excuse?" He had a far-away look on his face. The word that popped into Merlin's mind was _spaced out. _

Maybe he was drunk.

And mumbling to himself, Uther turned to go. "Arthur," he said before he left, "Come see me when you're done here."

He closed the door behind him.

Arthur and Merlin stared at each other for a moment. "Did… did Ben do that to him?" Merlin asked quietly.

Arthur nodded, looking scared. "I hope it's temporary."

Actually, somehow Merlin did too. A peaceful Uther was scarier than an angry Uther.

Luke turned off the blade. "Who was that?"

Merlin shook his head. "Doesn't matter. You know what, I'm sending the lot of you back. Now. Get ready, you're leaving."

"Oh, are we going home now?" asked Leia, standing from where she'd been sitting on a table.

"Yes," said Merlin.

And the door burst open, and in tumbled a not-sober Gwaine.

"Ooh!" he said, looking up. "A party!"

* * *

Gwaine beamed from his place spread eagle on the floor as Merlin mumbled the words to send Luke, Leia, and Han home. He waved bye-bye.

"Now," said Merlin, "ready to try that again?"

"No," said Arthur.

"Please?" said Merlin. "I've been rethinking everything I did, and I _know_ I'll get it right this time!"

"No!"

Merlin looked rebellious, crossing his arms over his chest. It wasn't impressive.

"Merlin," warned Arthur, stepping forward, "if you do, I will throw you in the stocks so fast—"

"_Dewch i mi gan fy mod yn gofyn, y diod!"_

Arthur groaned, but there was a flash of light, and then, in Merlin's hand, there was the object he had been going for all along—a drink for Arthur. Merlin beamed.

"Ooh!" said Gwaine again. "Pretty!"

Arthur grabbed the drink, rubbing his head against his splitting headache, and downed it. He put the glass on the table. "That," he told Merlin, "was _not_ worth it, and I forbid you from doing it again."

Merlin pouted.

"Now," said Arthur, "I'm going to go see what I can do to repair my father and my love life and Sir Leon." He headed for the door. "And Merlin?"

"Yes, Sire?" grumbled the dark-haired servant.

"Clean Sir Gwaine up off the floor."

"Yes, Sire."

Gwaine put his knightly head back and laughed uproariously.

As Arthur left and shut the door, he thought he heard the words _ungrateful prat_ following him. Arthur kept going. Merlin started picking up Gwaine.

And neither let themselves start chuckling until the other was well out of earshot.

* * *

**A/N: Well, I did not like that, but it's an ending, at least. And now this story is finished! Much yes-ness! **


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